im about as happy as oj after his trial
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
