My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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