I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
