i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
