Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
