Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
