Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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