WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
