Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
