Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
