My nipple is on Facebook.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
