Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
