A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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