Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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