This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
