why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
