Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I lost the right to judge tonight
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
