dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
