who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
