dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
