there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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