You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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