Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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