Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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