At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
