at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize