My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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