i don't like sucking hair
I cannot find my penis.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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