Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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