I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
