It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize