Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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