So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize