Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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