I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You're like the curious george of whores
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize