I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
