so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I want to fling myself into the sun
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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