Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
