I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
babies were throwing up all over the place
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
