i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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