I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
