i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
