I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize