Cold hands, warm shart.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
