it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
