I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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