Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
