Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
