Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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