Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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