I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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