you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
