The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
