If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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