Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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