the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
