I wish my penis had an off switch
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
