I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish i was in the wii world.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
