I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
