I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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