I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize