Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
