How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize