I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
