He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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