Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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