i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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