my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
