i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Four minutes until I can fart!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
